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Keep Up With Loretta Loretta's Blog Why do we let our children tie us up in knots? | Why do we let our children tie us up in knots? |
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 The other day I was walking through the Orlando airport when I noticed a woman hobbling along as if she was on some sort of death march. I glanced down at her sneakers and saw that they were untied with the laces dragging along behind her.
“Excuse me … but did you know your shoes were untied?” I asked helpfully. “Oh yes, she sighed heavily. I wanted to stop to tie them … but he won’t let me.” As she said this resignation, she motioned over to her surly-looking teenage companion. “He said we didn’t have time and I have to hurry up.” “C’mon Ma, we don’t have all day here!” barked the son. With this, she shrugged and rolled her eyes at me and trudged faster to keep up with her son.What this poor woman needs – even more than a good pair of slip-on loafers – is a wake-up call. Why on Earth is she letting her son treat her like a prisoner of war? Where ever I go lately, I am seeing more and more people who are letting their children call all the shots in their lives. The kids say jump and then look for their parents on the ceiling. The worst thing is … we are doing this to ourselves! I don’t think we have to return to the time of totalitarian parental regimes … but I do think we need to get a grip. In the name of self-esteem, we have given up all our parental power. It’s gone entirely too far. Children need limits and they need to know that a capable adult is in-charge. At the very least, they need to learn – during their formative years – that you treat adults with respect. It’s better for them to learn this at home than out in the real world where they might have to learn it the hard way. What do you think? Comments (22)
Lynn Pappas
said:
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| SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. Parents often threaten a consequence verbally, but do not follow through. Kidls lose respect for their "words". Often it's a compromising issue due to fear. |
CHERYL ZABARYLO
said:
| I do not have children and will not presume to know what kind of parent I would be. I do, however, believe that parenthood is leadership. Rules that are clearly outlined, respect for self and others, consequences for actions, and consistency in each are the real work. Love is easy. We love our children the second they are born; it's instinct, genetic. Many homes are being held prisoner by their children because the parents do not exercise leadership. Why is it so difficult? Because leadership is not something that comes naturally to everyone, for many it is a learned skill, and for some it is very difficult to put into practice. If only children came with a manual! |
Karen w
said:
| Respect is the key issue. I have great kids and it is because I made sure they knew who was boss but also tempered it with love and understaning.There is a time and place for everything. Even though my kids are older now, if they push my buttons I tell hem I am going to count to 3, when I get to 3 the annoyance will end, or else. I have no idea what `or else` means because I never had to count that high. Hoping I never do because I don`t have a plan lol I`ll have to wing it |
ExplorerLady
said:
| Hear, hear. So many similar situations - my husband and I separated when my youngest was an infant and we also had a 3 year old. I tried to be a positive role model to my children and raise them in a warm, loving home environment. I chose activities for them to be involved in and supported them in those until they grew old enough to choose their own interests; financially I have paid for their education and given them a place to live until they finish college. Their Dad, whose affair ended the marriage, has done little financially - even tossing the oldest child out of his home at the age of 16 due to being disrespectful to him - - yet, 10 years later they love their dad unconditionally, would do anything for him and, I feel, would choose him over me in a minute! I feel so hurt, so lost - I don't want them to choose between us but I would like some respect, recognition for the contributions I have made to their lives. Instead, I feel I am on the outside, looking in. |
Jannelle
said:
| Mother of 2 boys. I couldn't wait for them to grow up..now I wish they were little again, so I could go back and fix all the "mistakes" I made as a parent. Children are little people, and they need to learn respect. In today's society I see such a lack of respect for one another, young and old alike. Someone once said........."always keep just a small level of fear with your children". I believe it was a comedien, and at the time I don't think I quite understood it. Now I do. Always keep that level of "fear" or respect....so the childrend know when they've reached a point, they best back down....otherwise, you'll be walking through the airport with your sneakers untied, and trying to keep up with a cranky teenager! Loretta, we love ya!! |
Karen Walsh
said:
| Yeah, you are right about the totalitarian regimes of our parents generation. I certainly lived under the Irish catholic version. But I think that doing one hundred and eighty degree turn in parenting isn't all that different. It is just operating from a place of insecurity and doubt. My parents probably felt insecure and scared at times but they didn't show it. Fortunately, my mother had a great sense of humor. I think that whatever parenting style you choose, if you do it with enough humor and love, the kids will turn out okay. ...thanks for making sense of things for all of us! |
Kathy O'Brien
said:
| Kids need boundries and structure to feel comfortable and know what to expect. If not, they are floundering and confused. I have three boys (ten, eight and four) and I find that when they have clear expectations they do much better in the behavior department. Not just a lot of talk, talk, talk. But clear, concise rules to follow with consequences that I DECIDE, not them. But...it's hard many days. But as my parents used to tell me, "Life isn't always easy" And I'm finding that to be true. IT's fun and I love them more than anything, but it's not easy. |
liz
said:
| Loretta, you see the most interesting things in airports...I'm glad I didn't witness the woman and her son because I probably would have said something to them both...and gotten myself thrown out in the process! This does make me think that maybe, just maybe, I did something right, because my boys never spoke to me like that...My oldest lives in Arizona (and we live in Connecticut) and while visiting him and his family recently, I said I had hoped that I did a good job as a mom...he said that the results speak for themselves. I said, well, I guess I did okay, because I know where you live, and I have your phone number! :-) |
Lynn Martin
said:
| My children are adults now but when they were 5 and 8 respectively, their father and I divorced and he was not much of a factor in their lives (surprise, surprise). So I felt I had to be both mother and father and best friend and that, since they were deprived of a real father, I had to give them everything in my financial power. I lived my life for them. Now, they are both wonderful human beings, but I'm heaping what I sowed with my son especially. I'm alone and have things around the house and yard that he could help take care of, for example. He's single with a great job but still I believe should make some time for his mother. He always agrees but it's always on his terms and usually, though I try to wait weeks on end for him to appear, I end up either doing it myself or paying a professional when it would have taken him a few minutes. And I'm afraid to press because I know he'll get angry with me. That's what I created when he was a little boy. Always giving in out of guilt because he didn't have a dad in his life. We really do reap what we sow. Then I had the added problem during my children's teen years of having remarried and now we had a step father in the house and I wanted to appease everyone, didn't want my husband to see arguments or the typical teen behavior, so again acquiesed with my son especially just to keep the peace. The husband is gone but that has all come back to bite me. So mother's of young children out there, you need to be the parent and need to take control of them at any early stage. If not, it will all come back to haunt you. |
Jeanette Young
said:
| Loretta, I think parents need to respect themselfs FIRST!I had daughters, as teens they have mouths and a tone...you know what I mean. They were never allowed to use it with me. I called them on bad behavior and set an example for them. I didn't let them start "blackmailing me" EVER.I gave respect and got respect. You don't let a two year old tell you what's what's, that is when it starts! And the whole guilt thing about working is for the birds. I also think parents need to learn a very important work "NO". My girls are grown and have little kids of their own. They call on a regular basis and say "mom, now I know why you were the way you were", thanks!! |
Terry Heatherly
said:
| I have always agreed with Bill Cosby on this and have quoted him to my children: I brought you into this world and I can take you out!. If that doesn't work, I tell them they better be good to me because I will get them back - they do, after all, have to sleep sometime. And, when all else fails, I simply tell them how it is and say "The end". They can moan and go on all they want but when mama says "the end", that's it. My first born is what is called a "strong willed child" and I used to have to give myself time-outs when she was two or else she wouldn't have lived to see three! ha Seriously, it was either dig in and hold firm or be run over by her for the next 16 years. Parents have to get tough, and stay tough - as well as being fair and loving. It is the hardest job on earth and many / most parents are failing at it. Tsk, Tsk!!! Wake up people, these are the people who are going to be raising our grandchildren after all! |
Kay - Little Rock, AR
said:
| You said it, sister! I have 2 sons, 16 & 11. I love them to pieces & we enjoy being together. They are secure & can enjoy being kids because - they know their parents are in charge. My sister & I always enjoyed my parents & have wonderful memories of our growing up years - safe, secure, loved in a home where the adults did their jobs - they were the parents!! I think society today is rapidly losing the appropriate definition and essence of that word 'Parent'. |
EC
said:
| As a parent of a 3 year old I often find myself facing this exact thing literally hundreds of times a month it seems! When I was at lunch about 2 months ago I was telling my son to eat his sandwich. He told me "I will do what I want to do, when I want to do it" I looked at him in shock and proceeded to tell him that he most certainly will not... BUT... since we were out with a large group I didn't discipline with a time out, or a consequence of some sort which started my downfall. Now, I hear that same sentence quite often but I am getting harsher with my discipline. It started with a time out, led to losing a favorite toy, tv, and so forth until just last week he didn't have his train, tv, favorite duck, computer use, or his leap pad for 6 hours, lol. Poor kid was wandering the house like he had had lost his best friend crying uncontrollably about how he didn't love me anymore. 6 full hours went by and I didn't cave on one thing and I'm telling you, it changed him. It hasn't been long but I guarantee you he knows who is boss now. My basic story represents the fact that we as parents are often afraid of using actual discipline to end this problem right away. We've heard so much crap about "talking" to your child, no yelling, no spanking, no lowering his self-esteem by being too bossy, blah blah blah. The fact is that I guarantee that the people in their 30's and 40's and older would NEVER talk to their parents like some of the kids do nowadays. And I could give a rats ass about what the psychologists say, I will NOT let my son run my life - ever! If that makes me a bad mom then so be it, but I will earn respect just as I give it, but I will never be walked all over. Whew, sorry for the long post, but you can see this is a subject in which I feel strongly about :) |
sue clinnick
said:
| I met an amazing woman at a sport club. Her method of dealing with a super rebellious teenage son, was fantastic. In response to him drinking alcohol, sneaking out nights etc...she stripped his room to it's bare essentials of a bed,desk and his school items. She left him his school uniform and a set of pyjamas......She then explained (over the top of his screaming) that as a parent she had a duty to love,feed,clothe and house him...no more.....The computer, TV, electronic gizmos, fancy jeans,sneakers etc etc...were NOT entitlements, but were to be EARNED and appreciated as the extras to life. He had to earn them back, by showing appreciation, care of the items, showing he could be relied on to help members of his family, and earn their trust......He started to do this within a week (he wasn't about to party with friends in his uniform or PJ's was he?).....and he found most of his "friends" didn't come 'round when he had no money, or "things" to flash. The change in this young man was HUGE. |
Bryan McGilvray
said:
| I've been a loan officer for 31 years. That's time enough to see that a generation has been raised up that has never been told "no". If I declined their loan request they don't become indignant. They only look at me blankly as if "that does not compute". "But I want the turbo diesel 4-wheel drive tricked out model pickup. It's up to you to make it happen" Children are much happier if they know their limits. Consistency is key. I'm amazed at parents who repeatedly tell their children to stop misbehaving during a loan interview yet sit there and do nothing to compel the children to stop. The kids are irritating, disrespectful, and cross. I've had window blinds damaged, books torn, and plants "pruned". I was taught that I was to receive a single warning to cease whatever it was that I was into. If I didn't heed that single warning I was punished. That's the way my wife and I reared our two sons. It's gratifying to learn that it doesn't take very many lessons in consistency for the child to learn. Then everyone is happy. Oh yes, in the past when I had more discretion to set interest rates on small personal loans I've been known to up the interest rate just because of the misery the borrower's children dealt me during the interview. |
Hayat
said:
| I have to agree with Maryann - I was brought up with little or nothing - having little was plenty during my childhood. However, I didn't want my son to go through what I did, but at the same time, realize and value what he has - a friendly reminder to our children of their fortune isn't hard to do .... after all, you've earned the respect and if respect isn't reciprocated, then we have to step back and see where we've gone wrong in raising our children. I'm a firm believer that your children mimic their parents (single or not) - and therefore it's up to us to set the example from the beginning. |
Lisa
said:
| How in the world could a mother allow herself to be treated like that? You brought that child into the world...or are caring for him in it, and you let him treat you like a rug under his feet? That's ridiculous! Letting kids behave that way is doing them and society a grave disservice. The world will not react kindly when he tries that sort of thing and then he won't know what to do. |
Maryann
said:
| Loretta I have seen it myself and I've also been on the recieving end too. Your right? What happened to us parents? I find myself letting my teenagers talk to me in a tone I would not speak to a dog with - why? Are we so tired and stressed it's just easier? or is it from all we get bombarded with daily on giving the kids stuff, things, trips, etc.. you said you were in the airport when you saw this. I can speak for myself when I say my kids have gone on more vacations, have more electronic devices, go to out to dinner (not McDonalds nice places) more than I ever did till I was married. Those were all big "treats" or family events marking a special occasion. They do to much, have to much and therefore mouth off to much. Sham on me for letting it happen. |
sha sha
said:
| When all you know it alls are finished reminding those parents who are being run by there kids who the boss should be, try telling them how to do it how to raise those demanding and difficult children who wear you down 24/7 how to let mommy and daddy be the boss especially single parents. It is a very hard job to do. |
Adrienne Austin
said:
| This issue is certainly not new. In 1983 I worked in a graphic and fine art supply store - lots of delicate and expensive materials that a child could (and many did) lay waste to thanks to parents who did not keep an eye on their children but allowed them to roam as if they were in a playground. One day a woman came in with a 3 or 4 yr. old on a stretchy coiled plastic baby harness and "leash". Another customer commented about the cruelty of that but every employee applauded this woman. She wasn't yanking the kid about irritably but simply making sure he didn't run off while she was distracted or had hands full! We had kids literally swinging on the rotating racks before, creating a mess and damaging delicate materials and never once got an apology from the harried parent. Some even acted as if we were supposed to babysit while they shopped! I think letting the child lead or run wild is irresponsible parenting that smacks of low self-esteem in the first case and laziness in the latter. But, that's just Opinion. We have dogs and cats. lol |
Robert Patrick Moscato
said:
| I dont have kids but I work at a Local Supermaket, and I have seen numerous examples of the "Little" ones calling the shots. Someone needs to take the time to untie the Knot and let the kids know who's should be in charge. |
george burrows
said:
| I guess most people know Tony Blair is currnetly PM in UK - What a job! - still one thing he said recently made some people take notice - it went something like this: "Being a parent is more challenging than being Prime Minster" Well, with my eldest Son - first marriage, approaching 37 - my middle Son - 12 - my daughter - 7 - YES, I can understand!! - especially just as my youngest came into this world - the aftermath of 9/11 effectively blew away the multi-million pound business I founded - so, back down the financial snake and now seeking a new ladder back up to the top - yep. boy oh boy - being a parent today is certainly a challenge, but I truly believe, we have been blessed with all the talents and ability to meet every challenge we face, if only we will just take time out to practice a little meditation - stop and listen to our inner voice - count our blessing - realise WHY we are here (again!) Smile and the world smiles with you :-) Best wishes - "All for one and one for all" www.friends.gburrows.co.uk |
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